Simon Ryne Olson

Simon Ryne Olson, whose career can almost be summarized by the fact that he had two first names rather than a nice middle one like everyone else, was a forward on the Zwangzug national football team. The team's leading goalscorer, Olson was a genuine talent--though not quite to the degree he thought. He competed on the national team from World Cup 33 through World Cup 39, played for Marienburg United at the domestic level, and was Zwangzug's first nomination to the World Cup Hall of Fame.

A native of the western FTC, Olson recorded the team's first goal during their Baptism of Fire competition. The goal set the tone for years to come; the best player of the team's earliest years, he notched up goal after goal for Zwangzug. In the qualifiers for World Cup 34, Olson managed a stoppage-time goal to give Zwangzug a win against Qazox and complete a hat trick. He'd repeat the feat later in the campaign, against St Pauls Isle, as part of a 5-2 victory to clinch Zwangzug's first qualification. Olson also scored Zwangzug's first goal of the World Cup proper, paving the way for a 1-0 victory over Demot. Meanwhile, he'd signed with Marienburg United, becoming one of the first Zwangzugians to play abroad.

That experience would quickly come in handy, as Zwangzug were drawn against St Samuel in the World Cup 35 qualifiers. By then the "darling of the St Samuel King's Division", Olson scored both of each game's goals, refraining from celebrating the second out of respect for his club. His attack would continue unabated in the oncoming tournaments; he was named to the Best XXIII of World Cup 36. The finals of World Cup 37 provided the stage for yet another hat trick against the hosts Ad'ihan, the later two goals coming in the final quarter-hour to help with a comeback victory. In the semifinals of the tournament, he scored Zwangzug's first (and the initial team's only) kick from the penalty mark. It turned out, in fact, that Olson had managed another achievement in World Cup 37; when Zwangzug clinched their fourth qualification, he was awarded their first Hall of Fame spot. This was not announced, however, until his retirement after World Cup 39.

At this point, one should consider several pertinent facts about the Zwangzug team. As part of the Baptism of Fire class, Olson made his debut in a time when football was not very popular in the country. There were relatively few players coming along to challenge him for a position on the team; training at high altitudes stressed endurance and meant that substitutions were relatively rare even when Zwangzug had a full roster. Furthermore, the team's unfamiliarity with normal football tactics meant that they were forced to rely on their own stereotypes about different positions' highly rigid demands; center forwards like Olson were expected to contribute the bulk of the goals. With this in mind, and Hanlon's razor close at hand, please accept that Olson scored ninety-one international goals and move along. Despite resenting missed opportunities in countries that cared more about football, Olson stuck with a once-hapless team and helped lead them to success. While at his worst, his arrogance drove a wedge between him and his teammates, at his best he was fiercely loyal to club and country alike.